Extreme closeup edition

Many years ago, my Mom, sister and myself were dining at a casual dining restaurant – you know the type.  There are paper menus and crayons for kids, kitsch on the walls, and a dessert menu that is guaranteed to have a “mile high” chocolate cake.

At this time, my sister was probably 10 – eligible for the children’s menu.   One of the games on the menu was a word match.  Things like “Caesar ______” and “Spaghetti and ______”  with a list of words to fill in.  She had gone through all of the words, and was left with one in each column.  “Ham ______”  The last word remaining in the other column is “Burger.”  My Mom stares at her menu, perplexed – and asks “What’s a Ham Burger?”

As soon as the words escaped from her mouth, it became one of my favourite memories of those occasional dinners out with my Mom and sister.

More importantly, however, is the Hamburgers I make now.  A lot of food bloggers have some seriously strict ideas about what makes a good burger, and what can and can’t be in the patty.  To that, I say… pshhhh.  This is a burger that breaks those rules.  It’s more a meat loaf patty than anything – but even cooked well-done, it’s tender, juicy, and meaty.   It’s topped with an array of toppings that are amazing on their own, but provides just the right balance of flavours and textures to what has become known amongst my friends & family as “The Hamburger.”

It’s a little time consuming – however, the recipe makes as many as you want and reheats famously.

The Patty:

• 1lb lean ground beef
• 1/2 cup breadcrumbs (this will vary depending on how well you feel the patties are coming together.)
• 1 egg
• 1/2 a small onion, finely diced
• 1-2 cloves of garlic, crushed
• 1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce (I shake the bottle until I’m satisfied)
• 1 tsp tobasco
• salt & pepper to taste

Toss all of the ingredients in a bowl and mix ‘em up.  Use your hands.  Seriously.  You should probably wash them first.

Divide the meat in to 4-6 patties – it really depends on how hungry you are.  I live in an apartment and thus pan-fry my burgers, and it sears them so nicely on the outside that I don’t lose a lot of moisture – and thus not much shrinkage.

Add some fat to your pan.  I often use bacon fat (I save mine and keep it in the fridge) but oil or butter are both great options.  This is not a job for olive oil – really.

Toss your patties in the pan and cook them till they’re done enough for you.  I tend to cook ground beef pretty well, because I don’t wholly trust it.   Try to flip them as seldom as possible.

If you’re adding cheese, put it on top right before the patties are done.   Then, place a lid over the pan.  The cheese will melt quickly and completely, to give you just the right texture of goodness.

Accouterments  – these are the extras that really make a difference.

• Caramelized onions.  Chop up an onion or two – it’s best if you just halve it then slice the onion length wise.  Toss Fry them up in a bit of fat (oil or butter) until golden and delicious.  If you have absolutely no patience like me, toss in some brown sugar to speed up the process.
• Cheese.  I like a sharp cheddar, but blue would be wonderful.  Use whatever you like.
• Bacon or pancetta.  Cook it in advance – you can put it on at the same time as the cheese and it’ll make it nice and warmed through.  I usually have some cooked bacon in my fridge, so it cuts down on the work.
• Sauce.  No ketchup here, folks.  Take a 1/2rd of a cup of miracle whip or mayo (I’m not picky), a 2 tbsp of dijon mustard, plus 4-5 dashes of Tabasco and mix it up.  This is the only condiment needed here.
• Lettuce.  I like iceberg because it exists not for flavour – just for a cool crunch.  You can use what you like.
• Tomatoes.  Slice ‘em thin.
• The Bun.  No Wonderbread here – I’ll usually pick up some kaisers from the store (or my freezer!) I usually butter my buns with garlic butter (either crush some garlic or just mix in some garlic powder) and fry them.   A nice tender bun with a crispy inside prevents sogginess.

Finally, assemble your burger.  Again, it’s important to express the condiment ban.  No ketchup, relish or pickles shall be here.  Or at the very least, try it before you add them.  I promise, this is not a decision you will regret.